So Open Salon has this thing going on with their bloggers writing 25 things about themselves. Some were rather inspiring and so I decided to do my own list.
1. From age 0-21 I lived in many States on both coasts, with Florida being my least favorite, and in which I have now been stuck for the last 25 years. For those who know me, they understand I have been looking North ever since and hope to escape palm trees and pink buildings and be able to experience seasons, woods and mountains again at least for a little while before I die. But I wonder.
2. I believe in true love, and I have been lucky to find true, deep and lasting love late in life, but it has come with a price.
3. If I had gone to college I wish I would have become a photo journalist, and had many more adventures, learned a lot more about other cultures and would have been more creative in my work.
4. With #3 in mind, fear has delayed or detoured me far too many times. And caring too much about what others think of me. And too much pride to risk failure. What a waste. I hope to improve that in old age.
5. My first kiss was from an awesome long blond haired surfer dude when I was 17. I lived aboard a boat at the time and he was traveling through with his parents on another boat. It was particularly sweet because he chose me over a far more experienced and savvy girl in the marina who really liked him.
6. With my second marriage I was convinced to have a lovely, small wedding, but I still wish it had been just Ben and myself, in a little mountain chapel, in an intimate ceremony that only involved the two of us and God and no one else. Perhaps if we renew our vows that can happen.
7. Joy and sadness go side by side as I get older. I try to hang onto the joyful moments and a savor every second and aspect of them as I know they are fleeting. I am easily moved to tears and the scars of grief open quickly. When I am at a funeral I am usually crying for the loss of my mother more than the person in the coffin as her passing was the biggest loss of my life which runs very deep.
8. I enjoy rainy, cozy days, reading a good book and my cats purring around me, and drifting off into a peaceful nap. I don’t mind having things to do but hate a full calendar. This shows my profound lazy nature and underscores the fact although people have called me “deep” that I am not in any way, shape or form an A+ personality type. I love also the beautiful silence of snow falling and walking alone in it which I hope I can experience again someday. It’s the solitude I love about these two things also.
9. I love camping for many reasons but mostly to be in complete quiet with only the sound of leaves rustling in the trees. The sight and smell of coffee brewing in the stainless percolator on the Coleman stove first thing in the morning is a glorious thing. I am compelled to take a picture of it each and every time for no logical reason. Being outside for over 24 hours does a soul good and airs it out.
10. I am proud that I was born in Alaska, that it became a State the year I was born. I often dreamed I would live in the wilderness there one day and have read countless books in admiration on those who did. I realize I could never do that now, which is very sad to me, but I do hope I can at least return one day for a visit before I die.
11. I am a follower of Christ, but I am appalled at most Christians and feel like most have missed the forest for the trees in their pious self righteousness, judgmental attitudes and narrow minded intolerance with little to no compassion for those who don’t believe as they do. I wonder if they know Jesus at all or even want to. Or maybe I’m being just as judgmental in reverse?
12. I have pretty good communication with my son. I have been tolerant, supportive, encouraging, accepting and disciplined him the best I could for a single mother, though being a hard ass does not come naturally to me in the least so I fail often there. My house is open to his friends so I can observe and know them and they are all basically good kids which I’m glad of. I ever seek a better relationship with him which would include more laughter and deeper conversation (which most parents envy I have when I speak of our talks). I do not seek to be a best friend to him as many think I want to be. I am simply tolerant and understanding of teen aged behavior more than they are and feel it continues an openness rather than rebellion. With all that said, and though I have done the best I know how to do, I still feel like a lousy parent though I always thought I would be a great one. The love a mother can have for a child is the most intense and crazy thing I’ve ever experienced. It cannot be measured in any sort of words or depth as it is boundless, nor does the child have any idea how strong it is, but it does not always make a perfect parent. I know that was about 10 things for #12, but it’s my list and I can do what I want!
13. My guilty pleasure is watching reality television of almost all kinds. There. I admit it. The Amazing Race and Survivor are at the top of the list, but there are some pretty bad and rather exploitative ones I am embarrassed to admit I watch as well.
14. I am a wanna-be foodie and love to cook and bake more and more as I get older. The television finds itself more and more on the Food Channel these days as well. This puts me at odds with always trying to lose weight and trying not to care about food when I love it and equate it with relaxation.
15. I seem friendly on the outside, but I am actually very shy and private and there is a rage within me at times I dare not let out and feel its my own fault anyway. I also fight melancholy and sadness at times that won’t bring a smile to my face or laughter in the least because of the great, huge, heavy velvet drape that descends upon me and drains the color from my world. I hate how self absorbing and selfish it is and I try to make it out of the darkness, believing even when I don’t really believe, that I will get out of it even though I am in complete despair. And I always do eventually.
16. I am not aging as gracefully as I thought, but I’m working on accepting that and changing what I can.
17. If I could take only one food with me on a desert island it would most definitely be peanut butter.
18. As compassionate as I am, my heart sometimes breaks more for innocent animals than for humans in some situations because they have no voice and can’t understand the human world.
19. I do not know what I would have done without all forms of music in my life or all the books I have read. Concerts (whether jazz or rock or classical or otherwise) improve my soul and my world for days after. And if I don’t have a stack of books on the floor waiting to be read then there is something seriously wrong and Laura is not happy.
20. I am a lousy housekeeper and am in awe and wonder at those who are good at it. Don’t look in the corners of my house. There is cat fur everywhere and dust on everything and a slight ambiance of too worn out – dare I cringingly say dingy? Ugh. Nothing “sparkles” exactly. I need to change that in my life. Put it on the list. No more excuses.
21. I am a bit of a news junkie, blog junkie and an email junkie and my home page is five miles long with news of all kinds. But I abhor politics with great disdain (with the exception of my joy that Obama won).
22. A dream I’ve always had is to take the train across majestic British Columbia and stay in that grand hotel in Banff National Park in the middle of the mountains where you see nothing but mountains and nature surrounding you. And then go to Alaska. After all, it’s right next door, right?
23. Although I’ve never really felt a true part of anywhere I’ve lived (and there have been many and perhaps that is why), a piece of my heart will always be a Yankee and in New England, particularly Boston and New Hampshire. Autumn in New England is one of the best things in life, bar none.
24. I hope I am reunited not only with loved ones in heaven, and can do lunch with Jesus (he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do), but that I will also be with my furry friends I’ve adored so much over the years, to live through eternity with them. Seriously, how cool would that be?
25. I faulted my mother for years about worrying so much and now I have become her in that respect. As I go forward I hope to let that go and not waste so much time and energy on what I can’t control anyway. Acceptance, peace, wisdom. That’s what I’m at least aiming toward as I go forward and what I secretly (and not so secretly) wish for.
