Tornado Warnings
This image was taken during tornado warnings a couple of weeks ago and it pretty much describes the feelings I have inside me right now that I’ve been battling for several weeks. My innards are gray and roiling, feeling turbulent internally but externally I’m trying to be peaceful. Trying to be content. Trying to be appreciative especially in seeing what so many are going through which is far worse. Honestly, I am trying to get there and I have no right to feel the way I do.
And yet I do.
Every year at this time it seems I have what feels like a touch of seasonal mood disorder in the opposite way most people do. Everyone else feels this way as the darkness of winter approaches and they know it will be a while before sun and Spring emerges again. Somehow that would only feel comforting to me at the moment. For me I grieve the arrival as summer approaches in Florida. Long, hot, humid days, full of thunderstorms that are scary and take the electricity out. Months of watching hurricanes roll off the African coast, many of which seemingly make a beeline for Florida and we hold our breaths increasingly until October is over.
Every day is the same now and, normally a person who loves the outdoors, I hide away in lethargy from the heat. The back of my neck is wet from perspiration at the least amount of effort. I want to run from my life and I often hide in books and movies, in the dark away from the searing and unrelenting sun, wanting to be alone much of the time, though it probably is the worst thing for me. This time of the year once again reminds me that I am SO not North where I long to be.
Couple this with a budget where increasingly we are trying to make it less, less, less. I need the accountability yet I resent it for making me feel caged in. I have a son on one side who is tired of hearing me say we have no money yet he does nothing to create his own income and nags me. On the other side even if we get a little extra tax money or a bonus there is no wiggle room in darling husbands eyes to ease up a little. Right or wrong on either side the stress of both wears me down. Mama is tired.
We go away this weekend. Not to really get away, though Lord knows we need it. But to the little in-laws house in Ft. Lauderdale. The tiny, warm house on the very busy four lane street just feet away from the window where we sleep, where I feel like Amazon women amongst all the tiny people, where I feel in between everyone. Old and young, conservative and moderate (guess which one I am!). I am very glad Ben gets along so well for his family and for him it will feel like getting away and for that I am grateful. I know also, without fail, it is never as bad as how I play it up in my mind. We will probably go out for a nice meal and we will visit a favorite church and maybe coffee out before that alone. But I long to really escape get away. Run!!!
Happiness is very elusive to me. It comes in pockets and fits and I try to hang onto those moments as best I can. But right now? Ugh. This feeling inside is restless, angry, sad, caged. It has a domino effect into my failure in weight loss (as always), failure as a parent, you name it and I have a negative spin on it.
It will pass I know. Just venting at the moment. I know it will pass as it always does. Laura never gives up hope, even ironically in hopelessness, but for now? Oh Lord, get me through.
