I’ve been in a somber mood as of late. Many things have brought this on. I think it’s the first time I’ve had a chance to breathe since the events of July and though I feel more normal, I’ve emerged on the other side rather shaken and feel different to my core somehow, both in mind, spirit and even physically I just do not feel the same any more. Maybe it’s just the uncomfortableness of transitioning, but I’ve experienced that virtually all my life, having moved more times and to more places than the average bear, that’s for sure. Always I found myself through to the other side relatively unscathed and ready for a new life.

Not this time.

I can’t quite get there. I am so very tired. I can only hope in time that things will change, but I just don’t know. Truthfully it scares me. Trial and tribulation at 50 is a whole different ball game than even just a few years ago. I cannot express how different it is and how different I feel.

Sometimes I simply cannot shake unhappiness. Oh, I can smile and enjoy myself at times, genuinely. I try to be hopeful and appreciative and I thank God for my many blessings, but as I’ve gotten older it has become harder to be generally happy. I don’t like that as when I was younger I was always basically a fairly happy and grounded person. Now it seems, more often then not, I simply want to crawl into a hole. Somebody take me away to the cabin in the woods I’ve longed for my entire adult life and leave me there with my animals in peace.

Last week I nearly skipped my mammogram appointment because of finances and no health insurance, but I remembered my cousin a few years back skipped it one year simply because she was too busy and put it off. In that year she got an aggressive form of breast cancer she barely survived and remains on chemotherapy to this day. So off I went last Friday. Monday, on my lunch hour when I was home, I received a voice mail from the clinic radiation department to call back. The shock of what that might mean flooded through me as I picked up the phone to call back. Yes, there have been some changes since last year and we need for you to come back in. Okay. Next month I go back for more tests. After the initial shock my next reaction was “I will NOT cancel our Georgia Mountain Cabin vacation again!” and hopefully we will not have to. More women than not, that I know, have had a call back as the new digital machines pick up everything, cancerous or not. Crazily, me the worrier is not too worried yet. I am more worried we have to pay for these next tests and hopefully that will be the only thing I need to worry about, please God (but, yes, I am praying).

The dentist practice manager said the dentist wants to hire me on with a raise in December. That is good news. They are not ready to hire me on for more hours, but at least they want me and that will be good and Lord knows I should at least be making more at age 50 than the teenager at Taco Bell after that. I’m pretty sure I won’t get health care through him either as the one girl said she used to have to pay $75 a month (and the doctor paying the rest) and in January her part will be going up to $300 a month which she (nor I) could afford.

We are the only civilized country in the world who can’t take care of their people with regard to health insurance. I know good friends in Canada and in Belgium and though their health care systems aren’t perfect, and I”m not saying we should replicate it, they have the peace of mind of not only getting reimbursed for time off with illness, but also only having to pay a slight portion of the medical costs. Yes they pay big taxes but I would be willing to pay more for the peace of mind not only for myself but also taking care of the millions in need God would want us to care for. If I have breast cancer it is over for us financially and I will bear the burden of knowing my illness tore a family apart that way. I went through this before with my mother who died of cancer in December 20 years ago. Had she lived to January of the next year her (good) health insurance had maxed out and we had NO IDEA what was going to happen next as her chemo treatments ran $10,000.00 a month and we had no money. C’mon politicians, get it together and compromise on something! People are dying in the meantime.

Well, anyway, I just can’t seem to come to grips with myself. When I worked at home I was able to do a lot of things at church; lead Bible studies, be active in “circles” that helped with charities, organized and put together a church cookbook for charity and fellowshipped with many often. Now working and learning a new job outside the home and then coming home to the duties of being a wife, mother and housekeeper take all my time and energy. I find myself drawing away from church activities and friends and I suppose that is not good. My devotions at home remain strong, but sometimes our church and it’s people who are far too religiously and politically linked for Ben’s and my taste. Can’t I just be a follower of Jesus?

I don’t know.  I just don’t want to fight life any more.  I don’t want to fight my body any more.  I don’t want to be tired all the time.  I want peace and no worries and I fear because I don’t have that my body is breaking down.  I’m trying to fight resignation — I always faulted it in other people, mostly the older ones, and now I understand why so many give up.  Life can be hard.  Being a Christian can be hard.  Being a parent is unbearably hard and sad sometimes.  I am disappointed with myself a whole lot of the time now that just makes things hard.

I won’t resign.  Somehow the best is yet to come if I don’t throw in the towel.  But I just wonder.  I just wonder.  I am nothing but dust these days.

Give me a break, Lord, I am nothing but dust.

Every time I go out on the patio, these babies make me smile.

Tornado Warnings

This image was taken during tornado warnings a couple of weeks ago and it pretty much describes the feelings I have inside me right now that I’ve been battling for several weeks.   My innards are gray and roiling, feeling turbulent internally but externally I’m trying to be peaceful.  Trying to be content.  Trying to be appreciative especially in seeing what so many are going through which is far worse.  Honestly, I am trying to get there and I have no right to feel the way I do.

And yet I do.

Every year at this time it seems I have what feels like a touch of seasonal mood disorder in the opposite way most people do.  Everyone else feels this way as the darkness of winter approaches and they know it will be a while before sun and Spring emerges again.  Somehow that would only feel comforting to me at the moment.  For me I grieve the arrival as summer approaches in Florida.  Long, hot, humid days, full of thunderstorms that are scary and take the electricity out.  Months of watching hurricanes roll off the African coast, many of which seemingly make a beeline for Florida and we hold our breaths increasingly until October is over.

Every day is the same now and, normally a person who loves the outdoors, I hide away in lethargy from the heat.  The back of my neck is wet from perspiration at the least amount of effort.  I want to run from my life and I often hide in books and movies, in the dark away from the searing and unrelenting sun, wanting to be alone much of the time, though it probably is the worst thing for me.  This time of the year once again reminds me that I am SO not North where I long to be.

Couple this with a budget where increasingly we are trying to make it less, less, less.  I need the accountability yet I resent it for making me feel caged in.  I have a son on one side who is tired of hearing me say we have no money yet he does nothing to create his own income and nags me.  On the other side even if we get a little extra tax money or a bonus there is no wiggle room in darling husbands eyes to ease up a little. Right or wrong on either side the stress of both wears me down.  Mama is tired.

We go away this weekend.  Not to really get away, though Lord knows we need it.  But to the little in-laws house in Ft. Lauderdale.  The tiny, warm house on the very busy four lane street just feet away from the window where we sleep, where I feel like Amazon women amongst all the tiny people, where I feel in between everyone.  Old and young, conservative and moderate (guess which one I am!).  I am very glad Ben gets along so well for his family and for him it will feel like getting away and for that I am grateful.  I know also, without fail, it is never as bad as how I play it up in my mind.  We will probably go out for a nice meal and we will visit a favorite church and maybe coffee out before that alone.  But I long to really escape get away.  Run!!!

Happiness is very elusive to me.  It comes in pockets and fits and I try to hang onto those moments as best I can.  But right now?  Ugh.  This feeling inside is restless, angry, sad, caged.  It has a domino effect into my  failure in weight loss (as always), failure as a parent, you name it and I have a negative spin on it.

It will pass I know.  Just venting at the moment.  I know it will pass as it always does.  Laura never gives up hope, even ironically in hopelessness, but for now?  Oh Lord, get me through.

It is too often that I feel this way.  And for too many years.  Except I don’t quite get to the end of the song.  Some day.  Some day.

Sleight of Hand

Lyrics By

Eddie Vedder

Jeff Ament

Routine was the theme. He’d wake up wash and pour himself into uniform.
Something he hadn’t imagined being.
As the merging traffic passed he found himself staring down at his own hands.
Not remembering the change. Not recalling the plan. Was it?

He was okay but wondering about wandering.
Was it age by consequence or was he moved by sleight of hand?

Mondays were made to fall. Lost on a road he knew by heart.
It was like a book he read in his sleep. Endlessly.
Sometimes he hid in the radio watching other pull into their homes.
While he was drifting.

On a line of his own. Off the line of the side. Bye the by.
As dirt turned to sand. As if moved by sleight of hand.

When he reached the shore of his clip on world he resurfaced to the norm.
Organized his few things. His coat and keys.
And he knew realizations would have to wait.
Till he had more time. More time.

A time to dream to himself. He waves goodbye to his self.
I’ll see you on the other side.
Another man moved by slight of hand.

Georgie

1996-2009

My beloved furry friend and companion peacefully passed after 13 beautiful years together.  Love you, miss you, crying tears for you Georgie Kitten.

Brothers

When brothers get along there is something special about it.  Such is the case with my huband, Ben (in the foreground), and his younger brother, Patrick, who have always had a good relationship.  To this day they still meet online to chat or play an online game and I’ll hear Ben laughing and talking in the computer room and it does my heart good.

This photo was taken just after Christmas 2008 when we took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale to see Ben’s family and we all took a stroll along River Walk.  I love this image of Ben, also, as he is so relaxed and happy.

In memory of my friend, Gigi Kenedy, whose memorial service is today.

Her sophistication and humor, her love of animals and movies, her spirit and sweet laughter filled many lives, but who sadly chose to end her own last Sunday, leaving loved ones and friends shocked and deeply grieving.

Prayers for those left behind in the wake of such a tragedy, especially her sister and my dear friend Tish and her daughter Tiffany who recently came back into their lives.

Rest in peace Gigi.  You were loved more than you knew and we will never forget you.

So Open Salon has this thing going on with their bloggers writing 25 things about themselves.  Some were rather inspiring and so I decided to do my own list.

1.  From age 0-21 I lived in many States on both coasts, with Florida being my least favorite, and in which I have now been stuck for the last 25 years.  For those who know me, they understand I have been looking North ever since and hope to escape palm trees and pink buildings and be able to experience seasons, woods and mountains again at least for a little while before I die.  But I wonder.

2.  I believe in true love, and I have been lucky to find true, deep and lasting love late in life, but it has come with a price.

3. If I had gone to college I wish I would have become a photo journalist, and had many more adventures, learned a lot more about other cultures and would have been more creative in my work.

4.  With #3 in mind, fear has delayed or detoured me far too many times.  And caring too much about what others think of me.  And too much pride to risk failure.  What a waste.  I hope to improve that in old age.

5. My first kiss was from an awesome long blond haired surfer dude when I was 17.  I lived aboard a boat at the time and he was traveling through with his parents on another boat.  It was particularly sweet because he chose me over a far more experienced and savvy girl in the marina who really liked him.

6. With my second marriage I was convinced to have a lovely, small wedding, but I still wish it had been just Ben and myself, in a little mountain chapel, in an intimate ceremony that only involved the two of us and God and no one else.  Perhaps if we renew our vows that can happen.

7.  Joy and sadness go side by side as I get older.  I try to hang onto the joyful moments and a savor every second and aspect of them as I know they are fleeting.  I am easily moved to tears and the scars of grief open quickly.  When I am at a funeral I am usually crying for the loss of my mother more than the person in the coffin as her passing was the biggest loss of my life which runs very deep.

8. I enjoy rainy, cozy days, reading a good book and my cats purring around me, and drifting off into a peaceful nap.  I don’t mind having things to do but hate a full calendar. This shows my profound lazy nature and underscores the fact although people have called me “deep” that I am not in any way, shape or form an A+ personality type.  I love also the beautiful silence of snow falling and walking alone in it which I hope I can experience again someday.  It’s the solitude I love about these two things also.

9.  I love camping for many reasons but mostly to be in complete quiet with only the sound of leaves rustling in the trees.  The sight and smell of coffee brewing in the stainless percolator on the Coleman stove first thing in the morning is a glorious thing.  I am compelled to take a picture of it each and every time for no logical reason.  Being outside for over 24 hours does a soul good and airs it out.

10. I am proud that I was born in Alaska, that it became a State the year I was born.  I often dreamed I would live in the wilderness there one day and have read countless books in admiration on those who did.  I realize I could never do that now, which is very sad to me, but I do hope I can at least return one day for a visit before I die.

11. I am a follower of Christ, but I am appalled at most Christians and feel like most have missed the forest for the trees in their pious self righteousness, judgmental attitudes and narrow minded intolerance with little to no compassion for those who don’t believe as they do.  I wonder if they know Jesus at all or even want to.  Or maybe I’m being just as judgmental in reverse?

12. I have pretty good communication with my son.  I have been tolerant, supportive, encouraging, accepting and disciplined him the best I could for a single mother, though being a hard ass does not come naturally to me in the least so I fail often there.  My house is open to his friends  so I can observe and know them and they are all basically good kids which I’m glad of.  I ever seek a better relationship with him which would include more laughter and deeper conversation (which most parents envy I have when I speak of our talks).  I do not seek to be a best friend to him as many think I want to be.  I am simply tolerant and understanding of teen aged behavior more than they are and feel it continues an openness rather than rebellion.  With all that said, and though I have done the best I know how to do, I still feel like a lousy parent though I always thought I would be a great one.  The love a mother can have for a child is the most intense and crazy thing I’ve ever experienced.  It cannot be measured in any sort of words or depth as it is boundless, nor does the child have any idea how strong it is, but it does not always make a perfect parent.   I know that was about 10 things for #12, but it’s my list and I can do what I want!

13.  My guilty pleasure is watching reality television of almost all kinds.  There.  I admit it.  The Amazing Race and Survivor are at the top of the list, but there are some pretty bad and rather exploitative ones I am embarrassed to admit I watch as well.

14. I am a wanna-be foodie and love to cook and bake more and more as I get older.  The television finds itself more and more on the Food Channel these days as well.  This puts me at odds with always trying to lose weight and trying not to care about food when I love it and equate it with relaxation.

15.  I seem friendly on the outside, but I am actually very shy and private and there is a rage within me at times I dare not let out and feel its my own fault anyway.  I also fight melancholy and sadness at times that won’t bring a smile to my face or laughter in the least because of the great, huge, heavy velvet drape that descends upon me and drains the color from my world.  I hate how self absorbing and selfish it is and I try to make it out of the darkness, believing even when I don’t really believe, that I will get out of it even though I am in complete despair.  And I always do eventually.

16. I am not aging as gracefully as I thought, but I’m working on accepting that and changing what I can.

17. If I could take only one food with me on a desert island it would most definitely be peanut butter.

18. As compassionate as I am, my heart sometimes breaks more for innocent animals than for humans in some situations because they have no voice and can’t understand the human world.

19.  I do not know what I would have done without all forms of music in my life or all the books I have read.  Concerts (whether jazz or rock or classical or otherwise) improve my soul and my world for days after.  And if I don’t have a stack of books on the floor waiting to be read then there is something seriously wrong and Laura is not happy.

20.  I am a lousy housekeeper and am in awe and wonder at those who are good at it.  Don’t look in the corners of my house.  There is cat fur everywhere and dust on everything and a slight ambiance of too worn out – dare I cringingly say dingy?  Ugh.  Nothing “sparkles” exactly.  I need to change that in my life.  Put it on the list.  No more excuses.

21. I am a bit of a news junkie, blog junkie and an email junkie and my home page is five miles long with news of all kinds.  But I abhor politics with great disdain (with the exception of my joy that Obama won).

22. A dream I’ve always had is to take the train across majestic British Columbia and stay in that grand hotel in Banff National Park in the middle of the mountains where you see nothing but mountains and nature surrounding you.  And then go to Alaska.  After all, it’s right next door, right?

23.  Although I’ve never really felt a true part of anywhere I’ve lived (and there have been many and perhaps that is why), a piece of my heart will always be a Yankee and in New England, particularly Boston and New Hampshire.  Autumn in New England is one of the best things in life, bar none.

24. I hope I am reunited not only with loved ones in heaven, and can do lunch with Jesus (he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do), but that I will also be with my furry friends I’ve adored so much over the years, to live through eternity with them.  Seriously, how cool would that be?

25. I faulted my mother for years about worrying so much and now I have become her in that respect.  As I go forward I hope to let that go and not waste so much time and energy on what I can’t control anyway.  Acceptance,  peace, wisdom.  That’s what I’m at least aiming toward as I go forward and what I secretly (and not so secretly) wish for.

So I was never one of those women who would have died if I didn’t have a child.  And I was never one to coo endlessly over a little baby nor felt the need to always want to hold one if a baby is nearby.  I am, however, so grateful for the experience of pregnancy and especially breast feeding which was, by far, the most powerful, amazing and beautiful bonding experience I ever went through.  And I became the mother lion who would do anything, anything, for that son of mine.

When he went through his phase of short, gelled hair, alas I must admit my heart fell a bit – though as a good mother I supported him.  But my heart once again soared when he got into surfing, skateboarding and ultimately wakeboarding and grew his hair long.  I don’t know why, but I always had a penchance for little long haired surfer dude boys.  When Chris’ hair was short I would often think to myself, “so many parents wouldn’t allow their kids to have long hair, and here I am a parent that would allow it, but my kid doesn’t want it!”  Well, the years have gone by and Chris is now 19 years old and still has hair past his shoulders.

So.  Last weekend Ben and I went to the movie “Australia”.  Forget the beautiful and ivory skinned Nicole Kidman, the handsome Hugh Jackman (when did he get so hunky??), when I saw this child – this amazing, gorgeous, long haired, half Aborigine creature – my heart leaped.  I’m not kidding.  In a way that just made me want to immediately do this:

I cannot describe the affinity I had toward this child.  If there was ever a perfect child for Laura, this was it.  Those brown eyes just made me want to run to him, the unkempt long hair, his being half wild, half polite, his pure love and loyalty beyond reason for the woman in the film who became like a mother to him.  Sigh.  Well.  The moment did pass, but in seeing his face again I just have to put it on my blog.  Just note it somewhere.

Beautiful Boy.  Beautiful Boy.

It was a lovely Thanksgiving and wonderful to be able to cook myself.  Apple pie and turkey filled the air (along with an assortment of other goodies) as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade marched on in the background.  It’s been years since I’ve been able to cook at home on this treasured holiday so I was very grateful to be able to stay in my own kitchen and have our home be the one filled with all the good scents of this day of feasts.

I’m a decent cook but a lousy hostess, so it was just right having Dad and Jeff over (total of 5 of us) who are my family and I can be completely at ease with.  The meal was made with lots of fresh herbs; sage and rosemary for the turkey that I chopped up and made a paste with butter to put over the turkey.  Fresh basil for the salad.  Fresh mint for the peas and peal onions.  Gosh it was good and you can tell when people are polite and say, “This is delicious” and when they repeatedly compliment you by saying, “wow this is fantastic!” and eat with gusto, going back for many servings.  Since I am a bit of a nervous hostess that made it very nice. There were just the right amount of leftovers – some for the family to take home and just enough for a couple of days with us.

Thank you, Lord, for this time with family.  Most of my adult life has been away from them, and I suspect it may be precious few years together before one of us moves again and the spell will be broken once more.

And now the holidays are officially here.  All year it seems like summer lasts for-EVER here in Florida and I long for fall and “winter” (relatively speaking).  Yet when it comes I can’t believe it’s here again and the nature of the season just flies by no matter what I do to try and s-l-o-w it down in the very few months we have down here when it’s nice.  But for now the skies are deep blue and clear.  The windows are thrown open with just the most delightful breeze coming through.  Oh, yes, indeed I am grateful.

I am thankful for a healthy child.  Though he needs to be nudged out of the nest and to create a life for himself, I was reminded how good I have it when the kid next door came by to say hello.  He used to spend a lot of time here as a kid, now 20 years old, he’s just few months older than Chris.

He wished me a good Thanksgiving and then rather hurriedly (as if to get it over with fast) proceeded to tell me how he had broken up a young girls marriage to start an affair with her.  How she is now pregnant and how they are getting married in two weeks.  I see behind G’s eyes the insecure broken boy he always was because of a remote, older father and mother who wanted to wash her hands of him emotionally as neither knew how to relate to this child.  He does try, in his own way, but there is a lot of pain I now see within him which seems to have started to hollow him out.  His eyes fill with tears as he speaks of a “hard time” he has recently gone through (apparently not over).  Yet he has always made the riskiest and most costly decisions ever since I’ve known him, even as a young boy of age nine.   He lies, he embellishes, he hides from his life.   I told him – you can always start new.  God will always let you start new.  My heart could not help but go out to this young man who’s life is about to change in ways he only feels resigned to with no choice.  I can only hope it will push him in a good direction – and not over the edge.  Chris says he is still involved in some bad stuff and he does not want to be associated with him and that just plain makes me hurt for him and all I can do is encourage him.

The day after Christmas we will join Ben’s family in Ft. Lauderdale.  In the little, tiny house which will be filled to the gills with family.  The logistics of it all always make me sigh in advance.  Either it’s too hot if it’s warm outside (the a/c set at 80 degrees) or too noisy with the windows open on a busy four laned street corner with cars and Harley’s idling or accelerating at the stop light just feet away from the bedroom window.  Also the fact that I feel too old when Ben is with Pat and Lia (most of the time), and too young to be with his family.  So there I sit.

However, I am sure we will have a good time and I will have a chance to get to know Ben’s aunt and uncle from NC who I’ve always liked from afar.  My mother in law promises no extreme right wing political talk but I highly doubt that as she just can’t help it, bless her heart.  Should be an interesting couple of days.  It’s never as bad as I anticipate it and I know how much Ben loves his family and I could never deny him that, plus he needs the time away.  Usually I am saying I had a good time by the time we take the long drive back home.  Well, one good thing, we can visit Christ Church while we are there hopefully.  It’s always a great sermon by Pastor Phil there in a beautiful sanctuary with a high wood ceiling slanting upward to heaven. We always come away feeling the presence of God.

Even though I’m not sure about my future in terms of my job (sigh) and even though the country is in a huge economic crisis that doesn’t seem to want to end any time soon (according to my dad we will all be living in tents soon), I am grateful for my home, my family, that I have lived modestly, that I’m emotionally feeling good right now, that I have a faith that sustains me, that I have a husband who deeply loves me and fully accepts me as no man ever has and who shares my faith.  These things cannot be measured in words.

This is my portion for now.